But not to worry, for I'm here to help in your omnivorous distress.
Back in 2008 when we were all hoping and changing, my family inadvertently started the tradition of the red state vs. blue state buffet.
Stereotypes, true, but if we can't laugh at ourselves on election day and drown our sorrows in PBR or raise a locally sourced craft cocktail in jubilation, then, really, when can we?
So for those of you scrambling for an election night menu, I've got one for you.
RED STATE MENU
1. Pabst Blue Ribbon (PBR) none of this mamsy-pamsy micro-brewed from hops picked by Tibetan monks and sung over by an acoustic indie band no one's heard of. (burp) IPA's are for sissies.
2. Water. From the Tap. Like God intended.
1. Dick's Burgers & Fries - or your local renowned cheap and greasy burger joint. Because, meat. Red meat. And angioplasty.
2. Li'l Smokies in BBQ sauce.
Don't act like you don't like these, 'cause that dog won't hunt.
3. Buffalo Wings. Do I have to explain this?
4. Pre-packaged veggie tray with ranch dressing.
There's always a health nut somewhere, even in Nebraska.
5. Potato Chips. Salted. Because potato is a food group unto itself.
6. Ambrosia Salad. Ubiquitous to church potlucks, bridge parties and the 4th of July. You had me at mini-marshmallows.
note: the recipe for the best ambrosia salad is almost as fiercely defended as Trump and his hand size.
1 pkg instant pudding -vanilla or fruit or pistachio.
1 tub of cool whip
1 pkg of mini-marshmallows
1/2 pkg of shredded coconut
1 can crushed pineapple drained
1 lrg can mandarin oranges drained - yes, dammit, canned, not fresh. Have you learned nothing?
2 cans fruit cocktail - drained
Just mix it all together and let it sit in the fridge until it looks like a bowl of what Strawberry Shortcake might eat in Candyland.
Some people add 1/2 cup sour cream. Because they think adding real dairy will somehow transform it to a savory side dish?
BLUE STATE MENU
Because come now, we're grown ass adults not frat boys in a rank basement.
Here's my take on the
Nasty Woman Cocktail
1 liter sparkling pink lemonade
1/2 liter sparkling water
1/4 cup grenadine (or to taste)
2 shots violette
3/4 a 750 bottle of Mezcal - or something like that
couple healthy squeezes of lime juice
garnish with an origamied flag of a pant suit
2. Water. With cucumber and rosemary. Like the Goddess intended.
1. Báhn Mi's, assorted. At least half being of the tofu variety. If you don't know what this Vietnamese sandwich is, I'm about to change your life.
2. Kale Salad. I live in Seattle. We check to see if you have kale at the state line. If none is on your person, you are sent straight to Idaho. Here are some tasty ones. That's right. I said "tasty" and "kale" in the same paragraph.
Vegetables should be farmer's market fire roasted and soaked in extra-virgin cold pressed olive oil with aged Modena balsamic. Also, translucent sliced meat means it's heart healthy.
4. Juanita's Tortilla chips, salsa fresco, guac.
For all the bad hombres out there.
we all put away our differences and eat flag cake.
God Bless America. And cake.