The September issue of Vanity Fair just landed on my doorstep. Thumbing through, like I always do, I halted my nonchalance on page 197. The full page photo was what appeared to be the wedding of Middle Earth’s Galadriel of Lothlorien with all her gorgeous elves in attendance…and a couple of redwood Ents thrown in.
I soon discovered this was not J. R. R. Tolkein’s hippest elf queen, but the wedding of Facebook and Napster founder Sean Parker and his ethereal bride, singer song-writer Alexandra Lenas. I flipped through the pages of pictures, mouth agape at the majestic fairy-land they had created with bazillions of dollars, about 30 rabbits “for cuddling,” and more bolts of velvet than an Elvis impersonator convention. It was stunning.
Apparently, Mr. Parker has since been eviscerated in the press about the implied ecological impact of their Big Day, to which he gave an arduous rebuttal.
I soon discovered this was not J. R. R. Tolkein’s hippest elf queen, but the wedding of Facebook and Napster founder Sean Parker and his ethereal bride, singer song-writer Alexandra Lenas. I flipped through the pages of pictures, mouth agape at the majestic fairy-land they had created with bazillions of dollars, about 30 rabbits “for cuddling,” and more bolts of velvet than an Elvis impersonator convention. It was stunning.
Apparently, Mr. Parker has since been eviscerated in the press about the implied ecological impact of their Big Day, to which he gave an arduous rebuttal.
Fingers have also wagged at his financial excess - though, if you’re a billionaire, a few million dollars is kind of like me springing for that venti latte - others claim he’s hell bent on media exposure, or a celebrity hanger-on. And perhaps there can be arguments made there, perhaps not. I do not know the man or his motivations. But for me, the ultimate issue with lavish fairy-tale weddings like these, is not the money, not the celebrity, nor the environmental impacts. It is what happens after the fairy-tale ends. Namely, the marriage.
I marry people for a living. That always confuses my five year old – “aren’t you already married?” What I mean is, when I’m not writing books, I’m a minister. And truly one of my greatest joys of that calling is performing weddings. It is a sacred, beautiful, and fearful honor to be the one binding two souls ‘til death do they part. Just pure bliss. But the more weddings I attend, the more I see many couples spending so much time, money and energy making that Big Day a fantasy, they forget what the day is there for in the first place: to start a marriage. And marriages, even the happy-ever-after ones, are not fairy tales. Sorry Disney.
I marry people for a living. That always confuses my five year old – “aren’t you already married?” What I mean is, when I’m not writing books, I’m a minister. And truly one of my greatest joys of that calling is performing weddings. It is a sacred, beautiful, and fearful honor to be the one binding two souls ‘til death do they part. Just pure bliss. But the more weddings I attend, the more I see many couples spending so much time, money and energy making that Big Day a fantasy, they forget what the day is there for in the first place: to start a marriage. And marriages, even the happy-ever-after ones, are not fairy tales. Sorry Disney.
Weddings today have become a commodity - the average price being around $30,000. Yes there are four zeros involved. There is an entire cable channel devoted to shows about weddings (I believe it’s called "Say Yes to the Dressed Cake Boss’ Four Island Gyspy Wedding" Channel). Wedding photos must now look like they’ve been pulled from the pages of magazines or Mumford & Sons album covers. And the wedding videos themselves look like film trailers – overly produced cliff notes of a story that hasn’t yet happened.
Now look, I don’t want to be the downer. I'm not against artistry, or mason jars filled with various hipster accouterments. Go ahead. Throw a party. Make your music video to the latest sappy pop love song that will make you cringe on your 10th anniversary. Release doves or butterflies or rabbits. Invite Gandalf.
But remember this: that day, that glorious day, is just that.
One day.
And after you’ve made such a big to-do, there’s nowhere to go but down. What marriage – real in the mucking through of life marriage – can stand up to fantasy?
Now look, I don’t want to be the downer. I'm not against artistry, or mason jars filled with various hipster accouterments. Go ahead. Throw a party. Make your music video to the latest sappy pop love song that will make you cringe on your 10th anniversary. Release doves or butterflies or rabbits. Invite Gandalf.
But remember this: that day, that glorious day, is just that.
One day.
And after you’ve made such a big to-do, there’s nowhere to go but down. What marriage – real in the mucking through of life marriage – can stand up to fantasy?
In fact, I would be hard pressed to find a couple who didn’t get into a knock down drag out fight on their honeymoon. Mine was about pizza. In Italy. Husband: where else are you going to get good pizza? Me: If you make me eat another pizza instead of heading to that breezy taverna with the five yard spread of anti-pasta surround by gorgeous Italians, I will toss you from our Tuscan “Juliet” balcony.
After The Big Day, you must put all the puff clouds of toile behind you. You must focus on the death do us part. And that means choosing – every day – choosing love. Because love is not a thing. Not a noun. Love is an action, a verb. It is not to be taken lightly and discarded in moments when you don’t feel giddy about your spouse. When she looks more like Nanny McPhee than a elven queen – which she eventually will – you must choose love. But choosing love, even when the feelings of love aren’t there is the tough part. There’s no fairy godmother to make it all better. To speak a gentle word to each other instead of the harsh one that rushes to your lips , to remember to say those three little words, “ I was wrong,” to clean up the dirty dishes again – even when it’s not your turn – and to do this without slandering your spouse in your heart. To forgive, even if the other doesn’t deserve it. This is work. This is Cinderella scrubbing the proverbial floors and Prince Charming mucking out the stables. Keeping a marriage with this type of vigilance and humility takes effort. It takes devotion. It takes steely-eyed determination.
After The Big Day, you must put all the puff clouds of toile behind you. You must focus on the death do us part. And that means choosing – every day – choosing love. Because love is not a thing. Not a noun. Love is an action, a verb. It is not to be taken lightly and discarded in moments when you don’t feel giddy about your spouse. When she looks more like Nanny McPhee than a elven queen – which she eventually will – you must choose love. But choosing love, even when the feelings of love aren’t there is the tough part. There’s no fairy godmother to make it all better. To speak a gentle word to each other instead of the harsh one that rushes to your lips , to remember to say those three little words, “ I was wrong,” to clean up the dirty dishes again – even when it’s not your turn – and to do this without slandering your spouse in your heart. To forgive, even if the other doesn’t deserve it. This is work. This is Cinderella scrubbing the proverbial floors and Prince Charming mucking out the stables. Keeping a marriage with this type of vigilance and humility takes effort. It takes devotion. It takes steely-eyed determination.
my-kingdom-for-a-horse.htmlThe Parkers called their wedding a “performance art project” and what a spectacle it would have been to behold. I’ve got a flair for the dramatic myself and would have loved to be a guest at something so jaw dropping. But my hope and prayer for them, as for all married couples, is that they understand that while their wedding might be a performance, their marriage is not. It is intimate and hard and holy and hurtful and exhilarating. And it can be art. Mine is. Lumpy bits, awkward color clashes and all. But to become art, it must be the most important project you set your heart to.
Indeed, if the Parkers put the same imagination, wrangling, negotiating, money, time and talent into their marriage as they did their wedding, that would be truly magical to behold. Especially in the celebrity culture that surrounds them. And if they can do that, perhaps they'll have that happily ever after, after all.
Did you like this? You may also like: With My Body I Thee Worshp, Splitting Hairs, & My Kingdom for a Horse
Indeed, if the Parkers put the same imagination, wrangling, negotiating, money, time and talent into their marriage as they did their wedding, that would be truly magical to behold. Especially in the celebrity culture that surrounds them. And if they can do that, perhaps they'll have that happily ever after, after all.
Did you like this? You may also like: With My Body I Thee Worshp, Splitting Hairs, & My Kingdom for a Horse
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